brain dump

I look so forward to the days that both children are in school.  Then I immediately feel guilty for thinking/writing such things.  I am a mom.  This is what I do.  How can I want to escape it so badly?

I did some thinking before drifting off to sleep last night.  I am not OK with the amount of yelling that has been going on lately in this house.  Maggie yells, then Nicholas yells, then I yell to be heard over them telling them not to yell.  When I yell, Nicholas screams.  Then Maggie yells louder so that she can be heard to defend herself from any blame that the yelling started with her.

It must stop.

So I decided this morning would be a fresh start.  The world is getting a fresh start right about now, so how about a new beginning for our household too?

And that lasted though getting Nicholas ready.  Then Maggie woke up.  We hugged.  We talked.  Then I asked her to start getting ready for school.  And all hell broke loose.  She dawdled mercilessly.  I lost patience easily.  I  sunk to the level of threatening her with no time for breakfast before we had even been together a half an hour.

Part of the problem (other than her mercilessly dawdling) is that today is Thursday.  Which means they both go to school.  With the holidays, Nicholas being sick, my husband coming home unexpectedly last week, I haven’t been alone since before Christmas.  I need this time.  I can taste it when I wake up on Thursdays. 

Then after the great energy it takes to get the children out the door, I come home and wander around in circles like a puppy looking for something to do.  I have plenty to do.  But I get this alone time so rarely, that I feel I must not squander it, thereby putting pressure on myself during my me-time.  That hardly seems the way to go about recharging my batteries.

Another concern that is tearing me up, is that Maggie will be starting kindergarten in seven months.  I want so badly to enjoy this time with her before she goes off into the real world.  But I’m not.  We trudge through one day at a time.  I’m becoming more of a nag with each passing day.  The silly games we used to play end up with one or both of us in tears or angry.  I have lost the ability, at least for today, to have fun with my daughter.  That is one of the saddest realizations I have ever made.

Maybe it’s my mood.  Maybe it’s too much to do and not enough time.  Maybe I need to put some of my desires and dreams back on hold until I can give them the time that they need.  Maybe I am cutting myself off at the knees as a parent so that I can be a person again.

If I had felt this way as a parent when my children were younger, I wouldn’t have been able to stay at home with them.  Yesterday I looked at the clock and realized it was only 5:15pm.  It felt like 9pm.  I actually thought to myself If I went and got a job, I would just be getting home now, with a twinge of jealousy. Except that is the worst answer to this dilemma that I could possibly come up with.  I would be miserable.

I think to solve my state of mind issues right now, I need more time away.  Except that more time away just makes me want even more time away.  There is a possibility I am not taking enough time away, so therefore a few moments away makes me realize how awesome some real time away would be.  If I could get away long enough to miss it, I could solve my problem.  Unless I didn’t miss it.  Unless I have used up my mommy quota.

Maybe I need to relax all my wishes for organization and books read and projects completed.  I need to put away my to-do lists.  I need to let the house look like crap and not care about it.  I need to seriously sit around and do nothing in the moments that I am able.  I could watch a TV show without feeling like I need to be updating my address book and checking my mail all at the same time.  I guess I just need a break.

Because if I can’t find a way to talk to my children with love in my voice than the last 4 1/2 years of giving of myself don’t mean shit.

(and after rereading this to check for “grammatical errors” I am sitting with tears streaming down my face at the lowest point of my mothering life.)

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6 responses to “brain dump

  1. First of all, if it took 4.5 years to get you to this point, you’re a saint. The other day I had to stop because I was yelling at Yago. He’s 2 and doesn’t know any better. He wasn’t running into oncoming traffic so I really shouldn’t have raised my voice the way I did, but I was tired.
    I don’t even finish my todo list let alone start checking things off. You have every right to look forward to school days with the kids and to need time to yourself. I just started my 1 or 2 hour block of time to myself and I should be taking the laundry out of the dryer or putting away the kids clothes that I washed on TUESDAY. Oh well. It will get done, but right now I am catching up with my favorite mom blogs. I might even watch a DVR’d episode of the Mentalist. Who knows. Best case scenario is that I find the motivation to use this time productively. Worst case scenario is I sit in front of this laptop for the next hour or two. Either way, I win.
    I hope you can enjoy a guilt-free Thursday whether you consider it productive or not!

  2. Lest anyone call DCFS on me, I wanted to report that after a good crying jag, a nap, a long hot shower and some food I am back among the normal semi-crazed parents out there, instead of the super-crazed. Thanks for letting me get it all out.

  3. You are an AWESOME mom! I admire you and hope to be as good a mom as you someday.

  4. we all yell too much. ALL of us.

    having three kids has finally convinced me to let the house go to shit, and I am way happier.

  5. Hello soul mate… We meet again, and once again, we’re on the same damn page. This really has to stop happening. Or the page needs to be a happy one. I want birds chirping damn it.

    You know well enough that the other side of the fence is just as rough. Going to work is like having two families – complete with the yelling. And I know that this post is more the product of a rough day then anything else… Promise me that you WILL NOT give us anything that is really for you. Please. You need to hold onto the shreads of you with dear life. There will come a time when your kids aren’t there anymore and you don’t want to reach that with no idea who Brigid is. Seriously. Don’t be my mom.

    Have you ever thought about talking this stuff through with someone that gets paid to listen? I know, it’s really hard to get “there”, but I can’t tell you what it’s done for me in just the two sessions that I’ve had. Just a thought. I would be happy to share my talker with you. He’ll be glad for someone that doesn’t have to cancel every other session for work crap.

    You know we’re here for you, that we love you desperately – thank you for trusting us with your pain. I hope that spreading it across our strong backs helps take some of the burden off. I’ll gladly carry some of your sorrow anytime you need it!

    I LOVE YOU!!!

  6. I totally one hundred percent relate to the experiences you describe. Motherhood is the most demanding job ever, except maybe for the mafia. It did me a lot of good to hear someone else say the things I think and feel. And I appreciate that reading this makes me realize I am not that freaked out right now and I am going to be grateful for that, because goodness knows, another freakout will come. Cheers to you!

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